Sunshine Sisters

How Do I Feel My Savior's Love?

Prescott Valley Stake Women’s Conference Talk 
by Emily Cox 

Introduction 

How do I feel my Savior’s Love? This is an inspired theme and I am privileged to be able to talk a little bit more about it.

If I could focus on one word in this theme it would be FEEL. So if we were to attach an emotion to describe the love of God I believe it would be JOY. In the scriptures we read that when Lehi tasted of the fruit of the tree, which represented the Love of God, it was “joyous” to his soul. I know we all have felt this joy. In fact we have just heard some sisters share beautiful experiences that some of you have had when you feel joy. So we know what it is and what it feels like.  I would like to talk more about what it looks like when we don’t feel joy in our lives, why we go through times of struggling to feel it, and what we can do about it.

Personal Experience 

To begin, I’d like to share an experience.  I got married about a year after I completed my masters degree. A week after my wedding, I woke up with cold sores that covered my whole bottom lip. It hurt to talk, to eat, it just hurt. Well, this was just the beginning of a slew of health issues. After a few months I developed a rash all over my body, I was itching constantly, doctors said it was scabies, hives, eczema, the list went on. Then the allergy went to my eyes, no longer could I wear make-up or my contacts. My eyes were glued shut most mornings and remained puffy through the day. These health issues continued for about 7 months. In the middle of this experience, a few months in as I was getting weary of having no answers and no relief…In a moment of sheer vulnerability I remember telling my new husband that I was angry at God… “why didn’t he listen, I am a failing the this test that God is giving me…. I’m not humble, patient, there isn’t an ounce of long-suffering in my attitude, rather I am mad, hardened, tired, impatient, and DONE with relying on the Lord”. I remember saying the words, “I have no more faith”.  My true colors were finally showing under life’s pressures…and they weren’t pretty. I started to see life through dark glasses, having no hope. 

I was going through the motions. Numb. I had consciously disconnected from hoping and trusting that God was there and able to heal. Well eventually all of these health issues peaked with a week spent in the hospital getting diagnosed with some minor chronic illnesses. I was finally on the path to being healed. Shortly after this I started working at LDSFS and as part of my job I would co-lead a group called SOLE . This was group of woman survivors of  of abuse or trauma. Common  sentiments among these victims were: how do I forgive, how do I overcome trust issues,  I’m feeling like I’m going through the motions, I haven’t cried in years. To put it simply, their trauma had unconsciously led to a place of disconnection. This eight week group was transformative for me. In the beginning, I was the “expert” gifting these women all sorts of skills to reconnect and heal. 

By the end, I realized that I was one of them. I shared their feelings of disconnection. I had not survived terrible abuse like them, but I had innocently been afflicted as they had and I had decidedly become disconnected as they had. Though I didn’t bring on my illness, much like they hadn’t caused the abuse in their lives, we still both had to trudge through the work of learning how to connect again. In spiritual terms - connecting is repenting. Because I got sick and was not healed on my time table, I felt abandoned by God. And to avoid feeling the pain of this, I consciously turned away from God rather than turning toward him to heal.

So whether consciously or unconsciously, we all disconnect or numb to avoid feelings of pain, discomfort or vulnerability.  I’d like to talk a bit more about what this looks like……What does this numbing look like? How do we disconnect or “anesthetize” feelings of pain, discomfort, and vulnerability in our lives?

Disconnecting - Numbing 

When we as women disconnect we busy ourselves, take on more than we can handle, withdraw socially, sleep too much,  strive for perfectionism, become super planners, chaos, chaos, chaos reigns when we are disconnected, we can disconnect through shopping, retail therapy anyone? Facebook, surfing the internet, etc. Poor boundaries is another sign of disconnection. Dishing out the silent treatment after a fight is a way we disconnect. When we act out with our anger to intentionally hurt others we move into this space of being disconnected. I think I have used all of these to disconnect. The trick is to have enough self-awareness to notice when we are doing it and to do something about it. I believe that addiction is compulsively numbing. So, the problem here is when we feel no pain, we can feel no joy. The scriptures describe disconnecting as having a hardened heart. Connection - the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement and when they derive strength from the relationship. Truly when we feel seen, heard, valued by god we do get strength beyond our own and feel joy - which is this connection. When I was so ill, I did not feel seen, heard or valued and I had judged God by 
believing he abandoned me. All of these feelings were brought on by my own shame. (definithon by Brene Brown, Gifts of Imperfection).

Shame 

I’d like to talk a bit more about shame because shame is the primary emotion that drives us to this place of disconnection. It’s the primary emotion that separates us from God. In the scriptures Adam and Eve didn’t make a conscious choice to hide and disconnect from God until Satan shamed them for being naked. Shame is the motivating power that keeps us from being authentic and honest with ourselves and others about who we are. Shame is very different from guilt. Guilt says, “you’ve done something bad” shame says, “you are bad” Guilt says, “I’m afraid to ask for my needs”…shame says “you have no needs or it’s all about my needs” it can go the other way. Guilt motivates change and repentance while shame keeps us stuck and feeling desperate for worthiness. Shame thoughts are the ones in your head that are full of shoulds, I’ll be good enough when…, just pretend everything is ok, what will people think, you said that?, what were you thinking? etc.  “Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me” is another thought based in shame. Shame also thrives in secrecy.  Shame is the Adversary’s power tool if you will. It keeps us stuck. Shame creates the illusion that we have been abandoned by others or by God. Shame chases worthiness away by convincing us that if we own our story people will think less of us. Shame is all about fear. “When we feel shame we are afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe and how much we are struggling, or how great we are when we are soaring.” Shame keeps us from owning our strengths  a well as our struggles. Common ways we all deal with shame is by withdrawing and silencing (I used this a lot early in my marriage), acting out aggressively to intentionally hurt another, or pleasing and appeasing. This pleasing tendency can also look a little bit like perfectionism. 

Perfectionism 

Whenever there is perfectionism, there is shame. I want to take a minute to talk a little more about perfectionism because I feel like with the advent of Pinterest and Instagram, we all buy into it a little bit. Brene Brown, who has done a ton of research on shame said, “Perfectionism isn’t the same as 
striving to be our best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live, look, and act perfect we can minimize pain of blame, judgement and shame. It’s a shield.” Perfectionism is “other-focused” what will they think of me vs. “what does God think of me?”. In Lehi’s dream he saw a group of people who were pressing forward to and caught hold of the rod of iron, they were clinging to this rod as they traveled through the mists of darkness until they came forth and partook of the tree. And then about those who had pressed forward, clinging to the rod of iron, going through the mists of darkness, finally partaking of the fruit of the tree, tasting of the joy - and then feeling shame. I used to wonder how this could happen? Then the phrase illuminated my mind, they did CAST THEIR EYES ABOUT. They turned their focus from the tree or the love of God, striving for the joy and peace that only He gives, to the world…to “what do others think of me? “.Theirs was a perfectionist mindset. In the last conference Elder Nelson said, “the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

Tools 

So how do we maintain feelings of joy and connection with God and others while we are in the midst of darkness? If the darkness symbolizes shame, then we need to keep moving. Moving through shame is the key here. And the way to move through shame rather than getting stuck in it and disconnecting is by owning our stories of shame. 

1. If you are conscious of the shame in your life and the stories that hold shame - TELL THEM. But these stories aren’t for everyone. They are for those people that can hear you, validate you, hold a place for your shame and help you embrace your struggles, strengths and vulnerabilities all the while. The more we hold them in the more control they the shame has over our lives. But tell them to someone that you trust that can hear you, and empathize with you. There is power in owning and telling your story. Giving a voice to that shame and recognizing those feelings while simultaneously recognizing your worth will move us into connection. The more these stories are held in, the power they will have over us. I recently had a client take the vulnerable step of owning his story that was laden with shame and had been haunting him for nearly twenty years. After our session he said he cried for 20 minutes, something that he hadn’t done in a long time. I tell you this to illustrate the connection that can come from letting shame go through telling it to someone.

Getting deliberate about recognizing shame. 

2. If you are listening to this and totally confused, thinking, I don’t think I have any shame.  Then I challenge you to pay strict attention to the thoughts that you tell yourself in your mind and get deliberate about recognizing your own shame. Any thought that speaks in absolutes is laden with shame. “I’ll never lose that five pounds.” “No one would hire me, what skills do I have?” “My husband and I will always disagree”. “I’m not that good at making friends”. Take a step back and take an honest and humble assessment and be an objective observer of your own thoughts who you are without shaming your weaknesses but rather embracing them. I’m not that good at making friends may be: Making friends isn’t easy for me, but I recognize that I need friends and will deliberately practice gaining the skills to form close friendships. I can become good at this. 

3. The next time you are feeling a strong emotion, (hurt, fear, anxious, pain, anger) view it as an opportunity to connect. Rather than avoiding the feeling and numbing to take the edge off, lean into it. Allow yourself to feel it and try to understand its effect on you. What thoughts are you having? Are they based in truth or distortion/shame? Reframe them so that they are true! What’s happening to your body physiologically when you feel this way? And what does it lead you to do? Are you dealing with it in a healthy way? When we intercept an unhealthy thought or behavior with one that is based in love and acceptance for ourselves and the emotion, we maintain the ability to feel joy and connection to with others and overcome shame. 

4. Becoming shame resilient is getting really good at the practicing gratitude. There are many ways to practice gratitude. Acknowledging the small joyful moments that happen every day. It can be through journaling, meditating, prayer. We can deliberately call joy forward by recognizing our fear or feelings of vulnerability and allowing ourselves to feel these emotions and transforming those feelings of fear to gratitude. 

Conclusion 

After I had been hospitalized and had started to get better, I had to make the conscious choice to heal emotionally…to reconnect. Although my body had healed, my soul hadn’t. I had bought into the lie that Heavenly Father really didn’t care. That I wasn’t important enough to Him to be healed. There is that shame talk again…I wasn’t enough. Sisters, we all have times when we don’t feel that we are enough…and our own shame sets in. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Perhaps the most debilitating effects of shame are when we disconnect emotionally, we disconnect spiritually. And when we disconnect spiritually we lose sight of our divine worth and purpose that God has for each one of us. Mary, the mother of Jesus, through a spiritual experience with an angel, understood her divine role and purpose as she declared, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord, be it unto me according to thy word”.  Because she understood her divine role, she was able to overcome the shame that may have set in while she carried the Christ child in her womb. 

When we choose to spiritually reconnect to God, we, like Mary will gain a clear understanding of who we are, our purpose, and our worth.  It is only through understanding our worth that we can have the power to overcome the shame in our lives. 

Sisters, I testify that  all of us are of great worth to our Heavenly Father. No matter what we’ve done, how much shame we hold, we are always worthy of His perfect love. We are enough to him!  He knows us individually and it is because of our vulnerabilities and imperfections that he loves us and sent a perfect Savior to heal us. Like the woman reaching out to him even just a little bit, like the lady who touched the hem of his robe as the crowds passed over her, she was healed. I know that when we reach out, just a little bit and take the courageous step to be vulnerable and repent, he will heal our hearts and make us whole. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Women's Session of General Conference, September 23, 2017

2017 Women's Conference

Mommy Meetup

Sunshine Sisters

SUNSHINE SISTERS

FOR FRIENDSHIP,

COMMUNITY SERVICE & LUNCHEON

PLEASE COME & ENJOY

AUGUST 22ND

Prescott Valley Stake Center 11:00 – 1:00

Pot Luck Luncheon

Sisters are welcome to bring a dish or dessert to share  

‘SCHOOL DAZE’

School is about to start! The school we have adopted

The Bright Future Pre-School’

for children, will be needing supplies again.

i.e.- glue sticks, tissue boxes, baby wipes, disinfectant wipes, coffee, filters (for snack bowls), band-Aids, white glue, cream of tartar ( for homemade playdough), art & crafts items: foam stickers, glitter glue, watercolor paint, construction paper, cotton balls, googly eyes, Velcro, colored tissue paper, pipe cleaners, pom poms, ribbon, popsicle sticks, pony beads, bubbles, yarn, brads, shaving cream.

Donation is not required. Please come anyway.

Bring in your items for our ‘Trade Table’

Family Discovery Day Handouts

Family History Center Gifts, Donations, and Loans

Adding Sources to Family Search

Putting Documents as Sources on Family Tree

Attaching Documents as Sources to Family Tree

Cite Your Sources - A Nice Brief Summary

Attaching Multiple Names to Sources

Part 2 - Attaching Multiple Names to Sources

Strengthening the Family

General Women's Meeting

Cannery Assignment

We are sorely in need of volunteers to assist with our assignment on August 10, 2017 from 1 pm to 5:30 p.m. at the Mesa Cannery. We are in need of 16 volunteers we need. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions or need information. They do make accommodations for those with limited abilities. If you go, your heart will feel light and happy to have helped. Please be sure to sign up at www.tinyurl.com/pvstake Click on cannery signup and "click here to signup and edit".

Here is a great article, even if a little outdated, that might help you feel the spirit of the cannery. http://www.seattletimes.com/…/mormon-canneries-preserve-th…/

Thank you for your consideration of this worthy cause.  Sister LaDawn Dalton

No More Strangers or Foreigners - A Refugee Presentation

Joint Prescott and Prescott Valley Stake Activity

No More Strangers – Refugees & IRC

Saturday February 25, 2017 at 2:00pm

 Prescott Stake Center

           

 

A member of the Willow Creek Ward of the Prescott Stake, Cynthia Patience and family, were the driving force in befriending a refugee family and having them share their story with the members of the communities in the area and members of the Prescott and Prescott Valley stakes.

Prescott Stake President, Brett Mangum, was presiding at the meeting.  Brother Andy Nelson conducted the meeting. Prescott Valley Stake President, Brent Montierth, opened the meeting with prayer.  President Jim Argyle and President Rich Tenney were also on the stand. 

The meeting was held in the chapel and the cultural hall had tables full of donated items to support the refugees in the Phoenix area.  Cynthia Patience spoke regarding how her involvement began with the simple question she asked in prayer, “What is it I can do to help these people?” She did something. She got on the internet and made some phone calls.  The IRC organization, International RESCUE Committee had two representatives, Jessalynne Howard and Nicky Walker who were ready and willing to help her.  Jessalynne spoke and showed a overhead presentation regarding the strenuous steps a refugee must to go through to resettle in the US and what IRC does to help them.  She listed ways for people and organizations to help the refugees’ resettling process.

The significant and most poignant portion of the meeting was hearing Akram Zreikat and his family’s story as Syrian refugees.  President Rich Tenney was a concluding speaker.  Sister LaDawn Dalton gave the closing prayer.

Our sincere appreciation to so many people who contributed and made this event a huge success.  We are thankful to people of many faiths for contributing and supporting this event!

Refugee Presentation